Yes, you noticed it right. This is my first blog in English. I'm one of those girls now. Not because I think that it is cool or that I will reach more people because I write in English, but because I actually have friends at the other side of the world and they only understand English. Or most of them do :) & I want to keep them updated. So here it goes. Who would have thought, that me, shy, scared and sometimes anti-social Caro, would make friends at the other side of the world. I wouldn't, haha. But I did and that is awesome! I couldn't be more grateful.
It is almost time to say goodbye now. My work at Haunui Farm is done. I'm staying a few days longer to sort some last things out with my car(s). The old one is gone and I want to take the new one to the garage one last time to see if everything is alright before I hit the road. Just to be sure. Typical me!
I hate saying goodbye. I really, really hate it. I'm not good at it either. It is always awkward. What do you do? Hug each other, kiss each other? It is just awkward and I hate it! Did I mention that already? It's also really sad. Some people already left and I don't know if I will see some of them ever again. They leave a void behind and I find it difficult to let it go, to let them go. But I will have to learn to leave everything and everyone behind again and again on this year of adventure and just move on. Accepting that is difficult for me. All the people that I met here and that I will still meet become your family. They help you, they support you and suddenly that support system is gone and you are on your own again. That beginning again, over and over, that is really emotional for me. I have cried a few times already. But my mom told me to accept it, to learn to accept it, get in my car and move on to the next part of my journey. So, I'm gonna try. I have to. But I will miss them. All of them. They are now a piece of me and I will carry them forever in my heart.
Last week I was Skyping with my mom and I was a bit emotional because of the saying goodbye and I was telling her that everyone here has helped me a lot during the 'drama' of my broken car. Like I said before: I'm not really the person who asks for help, I don't know why. I like to do things on my own and maybe I find it a bit embarrassing to ask for help. But this time I had to ask for help and they were all so kind to help me out, even if I didn't ask for it. Mostly I'm the person who helps people and I don't mind. I like helping people. It makes me feel good about myself. Some people take advantage of that, I know that, but I don't care. As long as they're helped. You know a while ago some people in Belgium asked me what makes me happy and I answered: "I'm happy if I can make other people happy." You know, that's what it's all about for me, making other people happy. That makes me the most happy person. So if I can help them and that makes them happy, then so be it. I don't help people because I expect to get something back, not at all. I just like it. But when I was skyping with my mom it danged on me. This is good karma! All the helping I did for other people over the years, even when I was a little kid, it was all meant for this journey. I'm all getting it back now. All the helping I did for other people, ... I was, and still am, getting it back. And that is really beautiful to realize! Another thing that I learned! So go out there and help people, because you will get it back! Trust me! It is just extraordinary how the universe works and it is so weird to realize this when I am so far from home.
Sometimes I still wonder why I am making this journey. Sure, I like to travel and I want to see the world, but is there a bigger reason why I am doing this, why I embarked on this adventure? Is it to escape my life, to find myself (barf!)? Maybe I am escaping my life, maybe I am finding myself, but I thought that I pretty much understood myself back home. So why am I doing this? Is there a bigger reason? Why am I making myself go through all this homesickness and crying and getting over my fears (which is so exhausting because I pretty much am afraid of everything!) I don't know. Maybe I will never know. This is the scariest thing I have ever done. I'm still glad I did it, but it's during the difficult moments that I don't really understand why I did it. And another thing: should I be proud of myself? That's what my mother always says: "I'm so proud of you." But is it really that difficult what I am doing? Another thing that I don't know, haha. I don't know much actually. I just know that I need to continue.
So here we go: my trip is almost commencing and I am shitting my pants. I went on holidays before, sure, but this is a different holiday. It's the first one without an actual plan and without friends and family. I will be completely and utterly on my own and I will have to face my fears once again. Every day I guess, because I'm afraid of everything. Ha! But I will figure things out along the way and I am sure that this will be an epic, adventurous and life changing holiday.
My sister gave me this bracelet of a shamrock for my birthday and I am going to wear it throughout my tip. So I guess luck will be at my side! And when I'm feeling down and crappy, ... I will remember this: "Everything will always be okay."
Love,
Caro x
